


He Saw His Own Eyes

by SadaVeniren



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (but like super fast), Angst, Doctor Harry, Doctor Louis, Doctor/Patient, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Lack of Communication, M/M, Mpreg, Mpreg Louis, Pregnant Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-15 19:07:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16069415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadaVeniren/pseuds/SadaVeniren
Summary: Dear Child,By the time you read this I’ll be dead. Here’s how I think it’s gonna to happen. Your mum - whoever they are and I’m sure they’ll be a smashing person - will read this letter, realize I quoted a very old and niche video, and teleport to my exact location and strangle me.I know sense of humor is not genetic but if it was I hope you’d get mine. I hope you don’t get my nose - it’s pretty big, and if you get my height I hope your mum evened it out with some grace and coordination so you didn’t spend puberty impersonating Bambi on ice. I’ve finally grown into it but it took awhile and I once almost fell into a bonfire because of it. Maybe I’ll tell you about it when we meet up!Please know that if you decide to reach out to me I will be receptive, so don’t let that cause you any anxiety. I hope that your life has been good so far. I’m sure your mum (and dad or other mum or other parenting figure) loved you with everything they are.Yours,DadP.S. Then two cops will read this letter and shoot each other.AKA Louis conceives a child from an anonymous donor and Harry’s the midwife.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ishiplouis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishiplouis/gifts).



> Hiiiii!!!
> 
> I hope you really enjoy this fic :D I tweaked the prompt you gave me just a bit but I think it turned out alright~~
> 
> This fic does stray a bit from realism in regards to proper UK donors (you’ll see exactly where it strays) but hopefully everyone who it bothers will forgive me and understand it’s from the ~drama~ of it all. :D
> 
> Thank you, S, S, and E for cheering me on while I wrote this, and especially S for britpicking~. :DD you guys are the best!
> 
> Title is from Heart’s song “All I wanna do is make love to you”

It was not a decision Louis made lightly. He’d talked it over with just about everyone who needed to be involved: his mum, his doctor, another doctor, and the HFEA donor clinic. He’d made _lists_. Long and thought out lists of pros and cons.

Pro: he was put together enough that he hadn’t been late on a payment (car, rent, utilities, and credit) since his early twenties. 

Con: he’d be doing this alone.

Pro: he had an amazing support system built in with his family. 

Con: he had always wanted to wait and give his child a more traditional upbringing.

Pro: he was a pediatrician so he had a pretty good idea what to expect, both during the pregnancy, and then afterwards, with the child.

And so on and so forth. Back and forth. Sometimes the cons were frivolous and stupid, _Con 28: My soulmate will one come into my life and then leave because I’m knocked up with another man’s babies_ and sometimes they held more weight, _Con 56: If something happens to me I need to make sure I have something set up for the baby_.

So no, it was not a decision Louis made lightly, but it was a decision he made on July 6, 2017.

His point of contact at the clinic was a nice woman named Perrie, who walked him through all of the steps, and also provided a shoulder to cry on as he worked through his decision. Would he use fertility drugs to heighten the success rate, or would he just artificially inseminate for a few cycles? She told him about the risk, especially if fertility drugs were involved, including he might have twins or even triplets. His age was only a minor factor: thirty-two was in no way old, and it wasn’t like he’d been trying on his own to get pregnant, so he didn’t think he had any fertility problems. His problem was he didn’t have the other set of DNA.

Perrie laughed when he said that to her after finally saying out loud for the first time he was going to do this.

“Well I personally can’t help you find another set of DNA,” she said pulling up something on her computer, “but I can set you up with an appointment at our clinic and get you started on the selection process. I do warn you that there’s currently a wait time of about three months at the clinic closest to you. Do you have a strong preference for what you’re looking for? Remember you’ll only be able to find out their physical description, the year they were born, where they were born, their ethnicity, their marital status and number of children at time of donation, medical history, and sometimes donors have written messages for potential children to read. So if you’re looking for a rich doctor in hopes those genetics carry over you’re crap out of luck,” Perrie laughed at her own joke and Louis couldn’t stop himself from chuckling as well.

“I think one doctor parent is good enough. I guess I’ll know when I see them? I think I just want someone healthy. Maybe someone who at one point lived nearby so when the child is eighteen they have a better chance to connect with them if they want.”

Perrie nodded. “We do keep addresses on files of the donors in hopes that it will make them easier to find. But there’s always a chance your child will never want to know who the person is.”

“This is true,” Louis said. “Okay. Set me up with the first open appointment.”

***

His appointment came sooner than he was expecting, but that’s how time normally worked wasn’t it? He spent the three months between appointments throwing himself into work. There was little point in trying to get a date when they were just going to be scared away when he announced he was pregnant by Christmas.

That was his goal. A Christmas or New Year’s pregnancy announcement. His mum told him to his face he was being very optimistic since his intake appointment was in the middle of October, and so he’d finish his first cycle of IUI if he was lucky by the middle of November. Louis appreciated the honesty from her as he always did but it didn’t stop him from wanting it to happen.

He’d made his decision after all. He was ready to have a family. It should all fall into place.

His mum came with him to his appointment because he may be a thirty-two, almost thirty-three year old adult, but sometimes you just needed your mum with you for important life decisions. She didn’t physically hold his hand in the clinic waiting room, but mentally he could feel it with every look she gave him.

“Louis?” The nurse called him in from the waiting room.

He took a deep breath and reminded himself that this was just an intake appointment to make a donor selection and begin the process with a physical exam. He wouldn’t be getting any shots today but he still felt nervous. Instead of an exam room Louis was brought back to an office where he was left with an unfairly handsome - but familiar - clinician who smiled when they made eye contact. 

“Dr. Tomlinson, it’s a pleasure to see you again.”

Louis suddenly felt much more at ease. “Dr. Malik, I didn’t know you were back in the Manchester area.”

“I’m terrible at updating Facebook. Pretty sure it still says my current city is Mumbai and I haven’t been there since the year after med school. Jay, it’s good to see you.”

His mum smiled widely. “It’s good to see you too, Zayn. I’ve missed you coming over and mindlessly eating me out of house and home while you two were finishing up your exams.”

Zayn flipped through the folder in front of him - Louis’ medical records more than likely. “So you’re ready to become a mum. Big step.”

“Exciting step,” Louis said.

“You’re going to go artificial insemination I see, instead of in vitro.” Zayn looked over the papers in front of him. “You’re a good candidate for it. You’ve gotten all the disclaimers that this is a multi-step process and what the chances of success are?”

Louis nodded. “I’m well aware, but I also read all the pamphlets. Just to be extra informed.”

“That’s good. You know how us doctors get sometimes.” Zayn turned to his computer screen and pulled up some program. “Let’s do the fun stuff first, before we get onto the more clinical side.”

“The baby daddy.”

Zayn laughed. “The baby daddy.”

Louis could feel his mum rolling her eyes beside him.

Zayn and him had gone to med school together. They’d ended up sharing a flat after their first year, and would frequently head back to Doncaster to crash at his mum’s and cry about school. His mum was a forgiving ear for both of them.

“So, what are we looking for in the father of your child?”

“Healthy,” Louis said first.

“You know we screen everyone right? So we got that down already. Do you have an age preference?”

“Maybe five years either side of me?”

Zayn nodded, clicking around. “White?”

“Impartial.”

“Born in England?”

Louis looked at his mum before giving another shrug. “I suppose that would help know they might be here in eighteen years?”

“Married?”

Louis frowned. “I… no. I’d prefer single.”

“Do you want someone who already has children or no?”

“Uh,” Louis wasn’t sure. There was something comforting about knowing the sperm had already created a baby before. But like with wanting someone single, he had a feeling in his stomach that he’d prefer his child to have as small of a shock at eighteen as possible. “No children?”

If Zayn had any opinions his face didn’t show it. “Okay. So I have three possible guys at the moment. How about I read off their physical descriptions and you tell me what you like best. Option number one: 6’4”, 214lbs. Polynesian and German, born in the UK in 1983. Brown hair, brown eyes. Single. No children. Option number two: 5’11”, 180lbs. English, born in the UK in 1988. Brown hair. Green eyes. Single. No children. Option number three: 5’11”, 155lbs. English, born in the UK in 1982. Brown hair. Blue eyes. Single. No children.”

“Not exactly a lot of information to go on,” Louis said as he bit his lip in thought.

He could see Zayn give him a contemplative look. “Do you want some friendly advice?” His eyes darted over to Louis’ mum as he turned away from his computer.

“Sure?”

“Genetics are weird so obviously everything is a crapshoot. If you’re looking for a specific _look_ for your kid there’s no guarantee. I could tell you if you want height go with option one. If you want guaranteed blue eyes, option three is a no brainer. Option two is kinda your run of a mill guy where you could end up with a baby with blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes.”

“I’m not… exactly picky about the looks. Is there anything else I can see?”

“Well, some donors do write their own message for any children. I can see if any of these guys did.” Zayn clicked around and Louis waited, watching the screen. “So option one and option two both wrote something. I’ll print them out so you can read them.”

Louis reached for his mum’s hand as Zayn got up and grabbed the two pieces of paper from the printer. He handed them over to Louis. Neither piece of paper gave him much information. On the top there were donor numbers: 165998 and 257348. 

He read Mr. 257348 first. It was short, describing himself a bit more: active, into swimming, weight lifting, and horse riding. His message to his future children was to enjoy life to the fullest, feel the sea breeze in their hair, and do something crazy at least once in their life.

Next was Mr. 165998. He’d written more, in the style of a letter.

_Dear Child,_

_By the time you read this I’ll be dead. Here’s how I think it’s gonna to happen. Your mum - whoever they are and I’m sure they’ll be a smashing person - will read this letter, realize I quoted a very old and niche video, and teleport to my exact location and strangle me for trying to be funny in what is supposed to be a serious moment._

_I know sense of humor is not genetic but if it was I hope you’d get mine. I hope you don’t get my nose - it’s pretty big, and if you get my height I hope your mum evened it out with some grace and coordination so you didn’t spend puberty impersonating Bambi on ice. I’ve finally grown into it but it took awhile and I once almost fell into a bonfire because of it. Maybe I’ll tell you about it when we meet up! ~~For the record I did not fall into a bonfire, I’m quoting yet another old and niche comedian.~~_

_Please know that if you decide to reach out to me I will be receptive, so don’t let that cause you any anxiety. I hope that your life has been good so far. I’m sure your mum (and dad or other mum or other parenting figure) loved you with everything they are._

_Yours,  
Dad_

_P.S. Then two cops will read this letter and shoot each other._

“He’s absolutely ridiculous,” Louis said, laughing. “Whoever he is. Absolutely fucking mad.”

“I take it you want the crazy one then?” Zayn asked.

“Yeah, which one was that one?”

Zayn clicked something and smiled. “Option two. Green eyed dad. I’m sure your baby will have beautiful eyes.”

Louis smiled, looking back down at the letter. He was sure his baby would have more than beautiful eyes.

***

It didn’t take the first cycle.

Or the second cycle two months later.

Or the third cycle three months after that.

Louis didn’t find out he was pregnant until he threw up in the toilet the morning of his thirty-fourth birthday.

(His mum was able to stop him from announcing it at dinner that night - but just barely)


	2. Chapter 1

Louis doesn’t need to make an announcement at work. For better or for worse hospitals were notorious pits of gossip and no matter where you fell in the ranks of the staff you were a subject, and participant. So the moment Louis had set up his first appointment with his midwife - a long time friend, Harry - naturally the entire hospital knew.

“Finally got knocked up?” Niall asked. He was the kind of the person who never went for tact. He claimed it never mattered, since the truth would get out eventually. “Congrats, seriously. I know it’s been a struggle and you’ve wanted this for awhile.” That was the other thing about Niall, he was sincere in his tactlessness. It’s partially why he always got away with it.

“Yeah. Got my first appointment with Harry today.”

“So that’s why I saw him slinking around, kissing babies and making a general mess of the nurses’ station.”

Louis laughed. Harry was well loved by the entire hospital, even though this wasn’t his only work place. He serviced a variety of hospitals in the area, going wherever his patients needed him. Louis had met him when he was a resident and they had immediately hit it off. Harry was funny and smart and almost as quick on the uptake as Louis. They played off each other well, and when they’d been younger they’d earned the title of the _Terrible Twosome_ because they would always be pulling pranks on other people, especially if they were both there on a nightshift.

They’d settled down in their later years, just from growing older and getting a little bit more mature. They didn’t pull pranks as much as they had in their youth, though they were still - in Louis’ opinion - good friends. It’s why he’d approached Harry to be his midwife. He knew he could trust him.

Harry had been touched when he’d cornered him right before New Years to tell him he was pregnant and wanted to setup an appointment with him. They’d hugged right there in the on call room. Remembering how it felt to be held in Harry’s arms made Louis feel warm and fuzzy.

He’d also been nursing an unrequited crush on Harry since they met but that was neither here nor there. It was never going to happen and Louis had come to terms with that early on in their friendship. Dating coworkers, even coworkers who were only kinda like semi-coworkers, was a no go. Louis had seen too many relationships implode and people have to switch hospitals or suffer through awkward work environments to try it himself.

“Make way! Pregnant person coming through!” Niall announced to the staff room as he walked in front of Louis.

Louis sighed, but everyone in the room already knew he was pregnant so it wasn’t like Niall was telling anyone new. Probably why he did it. He nodded his thanks to the couple other nurses and doctors who muttered their congrats as Niall led them to a table that Harry was sitting at.

Niall plopped down and winked at Harry. “Did you know our Dear Tommo finally got knocked up?”

Harry smiled, close lipped because he was eating a sandwich. He waited to swallow before he said. “I may have heard something about that, yes.”

“Shove off, Niall,” Louis said as sat down. “I told you he was my midwife.”

“You don’t let me have any fun, do you? How are you doing, Hazza?”

“I’m good. I delivered a baby girl at like four this morning across town so I’ve been awake for awhile.”

“What’s awhile?” Louis asked.

“Let’s see, mum went into labor last night at six, but I was able to take a couple hours of sleep overnight while she was dialating but then I’ve been going nonstop since about midnight so a little over twelve hours.”

“That’s not too bad.”

“No, and you’re my last appointment of the day here so I’ll be able to get some sleep after. Gotta feed my cat.”

“How is our trusty Evie?” Niall asked. “Still incredibly needy?”

“The day she isn’t I’m going to be very scared,” Harry said. “How are you feeling today? Still got bad morning sickness?” He’d been texting Louis every day to check on him since he’d found out, especially when Louis told him he was having morning sickness so rough that he wasn’t eating.

Louis looked down at the empty table in front of him as if to say _what do you think?_

Harry pushed a baggy of carrots and celery in his direction. “I have some hummus you can dip them in so they’re more filling. You need to eat.”

“Doctor’s orders?” Louis asked.

“Doctors orders!” Harry chirped, smiling. “You should be happy about the morning sickness, it’s supposed to be a sign of healthy placenta development.”

“See you say that but you aren’t the one experiencing it,” Louis said, accompanied with a discreet middle finger.

“I would if I could. Unfortunately I don’t have the gene.”

Louis hadn’t known that, but then again it wasn’t exactly obvious about who did and did not have the extra carrier chromosome. For example, Niall had it, for all that did for him. He was pretty sure Zayn did as well. “Well a word of advice, when your partner gets pregnant don’t mention that. They’re likely to punch you.”

He only recognized the way Harry’s face dropped because they’d been friends for so long. “I won’t, but that probably isn’t going to happen either. Not exactly shacking up with anyone in the near future. It’s one of the reasons I donated. Wanted to have some chance to pass on these amazing genes.” He winked but Louis could tell that he was trying to play off whatever had made his face drop earlier.

“You’ve donated?” Niall asked.

“Yeah, about two years ago now. Only donated once, since I wasn’t sure anyone would pick me.”

“Of course someone would want you,” Louis said. “If I’d known you were willing I would have asked,” he winked at Harry who gave him an air kiss. Louis ducked his head to hide his blush. Fucking hormones. He’d only said it to make sure Harry wasn’t feeling down.

“If I’d known you were looking I would have offered. No ones picked me yet so you probably lucked out.”

“How do you know no one’s picked you?” Niall asked.

“I send off a letter each year requesting to know if a child has been born. Always heard back negative.” Harry shrugged, as if it didn’t bother him. “I think people were scared off by the letter I wrote.”

“Did you confess to being a serial killer in it?” Louis asked.

“No. It was just, a very open and odd letter I think. I wrote it with the idea in mind that an eighteen year old kid would read it and want to know something about me so I tried to dip into stereotypical dad joke mode. But I think it just came across as deranged.”

“You never know. I picked my donor because of his letter.”

“Yeah?” Harry asked. “Was it heartfelt and moving?”

Louis hummed in thought. “It was definitely from the heart. Made him seem like a good guy.”

Harry smiled at him, but for some reason Louis could sense a bit of tension in his face. He wondered why. “I’m happy for you, Lou.”

“Why thank you, Harold.” Louis’ phone alarm went off and he shut it off. “Well, looks like it’s time for you to get up and personal with my private parts.”

“My favorite part of the day and the reason I became a midwife,” Harry said, relaxing as he said it. “Come into my lab. See what’s on the slab.”

Louis cut him off before he could continue. “Are you seeing me _shiver_ with antici-“

Harry joined in. “-pation.”

Niall rolled his eyes. “Wow, Haz, If that’s the kind of humor you threw into your dad letter I’m shocked no one wanted you.”

Harry gave a mocking sniff as he stood up and went around the table to help Louis up even though he really didn’t need it. He was barely showing at this point. “You’re a mean one, Mr. Horan.”

“You’re absolutely ridiculous.”

“I take that as a compliment I hope you know.”

“Absolutely mad,” Louis said as he let Harry pull him along out of the staff room.

The first part of the exam had Harry cover all of the basics. They’d decided to double up his first scan with the informational appointment just because of how far along Louis was, and also the position he was in, being a pediatric doctor and all.

“I was really worried about taking the pregnancy test, you know?” Louis asked. “I basically wanted _proof_ before I did it, since… well.” He looked down as his hands that held the empty cup Harry had handed him to make sure he was full of water.

“How long were you trying, if I can ask?”

“My first cycle started in November 2017.” Louis took a deep breath. “Took four cycles to get pregnant.”

He didn’t know what he was expecting Harry to say, maybe something about how lucky he was, that it wasn’t that long even though it had felt like forever for Louis, considering the fact he’d made the decision almost six months earlier, and now he had to wait another six months to be with his baby.

“That must have been very hard for you,” Harry said, reaching over to squeeze his knee. “I promise to make this entire pregnancy as easy for you as possible. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been but we’re here now, and soon we’re gonna get the first look at your baby.”

Louis put his hand on top of Harry’s. “Thanks. You know, I’m really excited.”

“As you should be! Babies are exciting!” Harry smiled at him before he slowly pulled his hand back. “Let’s get the physical part out of the way so we can get onto your scan.”

Everything went smoothly and soon Harry was pulling the ultrasound machine out and instructing Louis to lie back and expose his stomach. The gel was cool to the touch when Harry rubbed it over his skin.

“You know,” Harry said as he took the wand and started to rub it over Louis’ stomach. He was keeping one eye on the monitor that was turned away from Louis as he worked. “What I said back in the staff room, I was being serious. If you’d mentioned you were looking for a donor I would have offered.” Louis felt himself freeze and his heartbeat pick up. What the hell was Harry going on about? Harry took his silence as a cue to fill it, and continued barrelling on. “I mean not that I think you were being serious, I’m sure you’re more than happy with who you picked and I know we’ve been friends for a while but obviously that doesn’t mean you’d want-”

“Harry, you talk way too much, shut up.”

Harry snapped his mouth close and kept his eyes firmly on the monitor in front of him. They sat in silence as he kept moving the wand over Louis’ stomach. It was oppressive and Louis didn’t know how to break it, so finally he coughed.

“How is the bun looking in the oven?”

“I think you mean _buns_ ,” Harry quipped back immediately and then he gasped. “Shit that was unprofessional.”

Louis wanted to say something but he was too busy shocked by what Harry had said. “Buns? _Buns_ as in?”

Harry’s voice was small. “Congrats, you’re having twins?”

Louis waved his hand. “Turn the screen around you asshole, lemme see.”

Harry turned the monitor around so Louis could see the ultrasound. He adjusted the wand back and forth so Louis could see the first blob that would be his baby, and then the second one. “From a first look I can safely say they aren’t sharing the placenta so that’s good. I know twins run in the family and then put IUI on top of that-”

“Yeah they’ll probably be fraternal but there was still a risk they were identical.”

Harry continued with the scan, covering everything Louis needed to know. Since he worked in pediatrics he was pretty versed in most of this but he’d told himself that he would defer to the professionals during his pregnancy and not try and take over everything. It’s one of the reasons he’d picked Harry. He knew he could trust Harry with his care and not feel so inclined to throw in his own tuppence worth.

Harry declared the babies and Louis healthy as he finished the scan and pulled up his laptop to put in Louis’ next appointment. “So, I’ll see you in a month for another scan, or I could see you earlier and we could get non-alcoholic drinks?”

Louis frowned as he started to stand up. “Wait what?”

Harry wasn’t looking at him, busying himself with his laptop. “I know you’re free Monday nights, and not free weekends since you normally go back to visit your mum so Monday? We could go for dinner, some drinks?”

“You’re… are you asking me out?”

“Uh. Yeah I guess I am,” Harry turned one of his dimpled smiles on Louis, finally seeming to work up the courage to do so. “So what do you say? Come out with me Monday night?”

“You’re aware I’m pregnant, right?”

“I just looked at undeniable proof,” Harry said, gesturing to Louis’ bare stomach.

“Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Not really. Does it bother you?”

“I- Harry. Fuck you can’t just spring this on a guy.” Louis dropped his face into his hands. “You’re gonna be my midwife.”

“I can always switch you over to Jade?”

“I don’t _want_ to switch to Jade I picked you for a reason. You couldn’t have asked me out any earlier?”

“I kept meaning to… I just didn’t think it was the right time. I always was waiting for a sign.”

“You think me getting _pregnant_ is a sign?”

“Lou, you can just turn me down.”

“I don’t want to turn you down! I want to say yes but you’re aware of how completely fucked everything would be right?”

“I’m asking you for dinner, not marriage.”

Louis took a deep breath. “I’ll think about it, okay. I just need some time to process the fact that you just asked me this.”

Harry nodded. “You’re booked for the fourth. I won’t be in because of my birthday so just know if you need to reach me for that weekend you’ll need to call my mobile and I’ll try to answer but I can’t promise anything. You’d be better calling one of the other midwives.”

“Thanks,” Louis said. He paused right by Harry before deciding to at least give him something. He dropped his hand on Harry’s shoulder. “And if I need you to tell you the answer to your question?”

Harry looked up at him. “You know my hours and you have my number.”

“Okay.”

Harry beamed at him. “Bye, Lou.”

“Bye, Harry. Thanks.”

***

Louis was shaking when he got back to his flat. Shaking with nerves and hunger and excitement and just a little bit of rage. Nerves because he was having twins and twins were always a complicated pregnancy, two fold when you were a male carrier. Hunger because he hadn’t ended up eating anything, even when Harry had offered him food. He should fix that. The excitement was because he was having twins. He’d always wanted twins, and even though it might mean twice the work it would be twice the reward, to bring two beautiful babies into this world.

And the rage?

The rage was because the longer he thought about Harry and his question the more it hit him what it had meant.

Harry _liked_ him. Liked him but was too much of a coward to ever say anything. They’d known each other for almost a decade and only when he was Harry’s patient and pregnant did he decide it was time to tell Louis how he felt.

Way to go.

Louis needed to talk to someone, so he grabbed his phone and dialed his mum. Mums fixed everything.

“Hey boo,” she said, diving right into it as the FaceTime video came up. “How did the scan go? Is my grandchild looking healthy?”

“Harry asked me out on a date.”

His mum blinked and then pursed her lips. “Harry, the tall curly one who always sends Christmas cookies?”

“Yes.”

“Huh. I’m friends with his mum on facebook. She’s funny.”

“And? What does that have to do with-”

His mum cut him off. “So where is he taking you?”

“What? He’s not taking me anywhere. I told him I couldn’t go out.”

“Why not? It’s dinner, not marriage.”

Louis wanted to throw his phone across the room in frustration. “Uh for starters he’s my midwife and that’s a huge violation of like...patient-doctor rights or something.”

He saw his mum take a deep breath. That never boded well for him. “Okay. That’s fair, but you have to admit you don’t have a normal patient-doctor relationship. You’re a doctor yourself for starters. That puts you two on almost equal footing when it comes down to it. Secondly you two have been friends far longer than he’s been your midwife, and I’m assuming you’re planning on being friends far longer than he’ll be your midwife.”

“Well yeah.”

“Then, and I’m telling you this not as your mum but as a fellow professional, I understand your hesitation but I don’t think it warrants you turning him down if you like him. What else is there?”

“Well there’s the whole fact I’m pregnant with another man’s child. He’s not gonna want that.”

He knew the moment it was out of his mouth that it was the wrong thing to say, especially to his mum. She didn’t look thunderous when she was upset. Instead she got quiet and stony. Somehow, even over the phone’s video Louis could see it settling over her as she let him sit there and absorb the words he’d just said to her.

“I mean. Mum you know not everyone can be Mark or Dan.”

“You said he was your midwife right?”

Louis hung his head. “Yes.”

“Which means he is well aware just how pregnant you are and how you got that way, right?”

“Yes. But mum-”

“I’m gonna be blunt. If you don’t want to go out with him cause you don’t like him, fine. But if you do like him and you’re scared you need to get over that. Being scared never got you anything, did it?”

Louis knew she was talking about being scared of becoming a mum on his own. His hand drifted down to his stomach and rubbed it absently. “No. No it didn’t.”

“Okay then. Now tell me about your scan.”

Louis swallowed, thinking over her words. Being scared something was going to implode because too much change was happening all at once was no way to live his life. His mum, as always, was right.

“I’m having twins, mum.”

Her entire demeanor changed as her face lit up. “ _Twins_? Two grandchildren?”

“Yeah, mum. Two.”

She let out a delighted squeal and started to jump up and down. The phone shook as she did and it made Louis a little dizzy, but he was laughing as he watched her celebrate.

He waited two hours after he hung up with her, taking time to soak in his tub and eat some food before he called Harry.

“‘Ello?” Harry answered, voice rough with sleep.

“Did I wake you up?” Louis asked, looking at the time. _Shit_ , Harry had mentioned wanting to crash after working late the night before.

“Lou? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, nothing. I just wanted to call and um, say I’m free Monday if your offer still stands.” Harry was silent on the other side of the line and now it was time for Louis to ramble. “My hang ups about why I said no were weird and I’m sorry about that, there’s just been a lot of changes in the last couple months and there will obviously be more changes coming and I get it that dinner isn’t marriage but just the presence of my pregnancy is gonna make any relationship different and go quicker and-“ 

“It’s a good thing we’ve already been friends for a decade then, isn’t it?” Harry asked. “We got the whole _get to know each other_ out of the way so it’ll just be… whatever comes next in a relationship.” 

“Pretty sure pregnancy isn’t what comes next.” 

“We don’t have to do things in order. I had a friend who got married to his girlfriend of two months because he felt like she was the one and exploring their relationship as a married couple made more sense than waiting however years seemed appropriate.” 

Louis wanted to curl up on himself just to get a bit of a cuddle on. “Well if you’re with me cause of my good looks I just want you to know this rocking bod is about to change.” 

Harry burst out laughing, loud and braying over the phone. “You’re gonna be smoking hot no matter how you look, I’m sure. But you’ve found me out. I actually have a huge pregnancy kink and it’s why I’m a midwife. I sleep with all my patients.” 

A shot of jealousy went through Louis but he tried to laugh it off. “You’re ridiculous.” 

“That I am. So dinner? Monday?” 

“Yeah. You pick the restaurant.” 

“Will do. Promise it’ll be healthy and hopefully not trigger your nausea.” 

“Thanks. Go back to sleep. Sorry I woke you up.” 

“It’s fine. I’m really glad you did.” 


	3. Chapter 2

_What the hell did you wear on a first date?_ Louis sure as hell wasn’t sure. He hadn’t been on a date since before he started his treatment. He didn’t even know where Harry was planning on taking him, so what was he supposed to wear?

There was also the problem that at fourteen weeks he had _just_ enough of a stomach that all the clothes he normally would wear out to impress someone didn’t fit right anymore. He wasn’t going to buy new clothes yet either, since he knew from his mum that he was only going to grow rapidly. His eyes landed on a cotton frock his mum had gotten him sometime last year. It was a solid navy blue, with a boat neckline and sleeves that would go down to his elbows. His mum had told him it would be loose and comfortable enough to wear especially during the first couple months. She’d suggested he pair it with some tights or leggings if it was too cold to go bare legged, and then given him a pair of wool tights and leggings.

Louis had never gotten into wearing dresses, mostly because his adult life had been spent in scrubs, sweatpants, or suits depending on the occasion. This would be new territory for him, but the jeans and other trousers he had just weren’t going to be comfortable tonight.

He pulled the dress out of his closet and slipped it on, with a pair of black leggings underneath it. He was just realizing that the dress didn’t have pockets so he’d need a bag to carry his stuff when he heard a knock on the door of his flat.

“Shit,” he muttered, wondering if he even had a handbag as he made his way to the front door.

He opened it to reveal Harry standing there, dressed in jeans and a button down shirt, holding a bouquet of flowers. Louis froze as Harry looked at him, eyes sweeping down his frame. He felt self conscience all of a sudden. Harry was seeing his body in a new way, with the fabric of the dress clinging to his chest and waists in a way a shirt wouldn’t normally.

“Hey,” Harry breathed out. “You look amazing.”

Louis’ eyes darted to the flowers Harry was holding. “I- You got me flowers.”

“I did. I remembered you mentioning once you liked getting flowers so, here they are.”

Louis looked up into Harry’s eyes, still surprised. “Thank you.” He reached over and took the flowers, stepping back to let him into the flat. “I should have some sort of vase around here,” he gave the flowers a sniff. He recognized the rose and lily but wasn’t sure what some of the other flowers were. The whole theme of the bouquet was red and pink, with a splash of white. “I’m looking for a handbag too, since the dress my mum got me doesn’t have pockets.”

Harry was stopped by the door, not following Louis into the kitchen. “I have a couple dresses you can borrow that have pockets. I tend to buy any that fit with pockets because they’re basically invaluable. They might be a bit long.”

Louis pulled a vase down from the top of his kitchen. “That would be great. I’m going to have to go shopping sometime in the next month I guess. That trick with the hair tie my mum taught me isn’t going to last much longer.” He got the flowers into the vase and poured in the water and flower food. He gave them one last sniff before leaving the kitchen. “Give me one more minute to try and find a handbag before we go okay?”

“That’s fine. I brought my car and the place we’re going isn’t too far. And, if you want, I could always hold onto your keys and phone.” He patted his own jean pockets. “Plenty of room in here.”

“Ugh,” Louis said, rolling his eyes. “I’m about to ask you for your jeans but I have a feeling my big bum won’t fit in them.”

Harry laughed, and Louis felt the normalcy of their every day flirting wash over him as he got into his bedroom. This wouldn’t be awkward. This would be fine. “I’ve been told never to comment on a person’s bum but I will say I think your bum is fine.”

“I know it is,” Louis called. He spotted a small handbag that Lottie had probably left at some point and grabbed it. It was just big enough to fit his phone and keys. “Success! Alright, now I’m ready.”

Harry offered him his hand as they walked out of the flat. The restaurant Harry took him to wasn’t that far away, Louis probably could have walked there in about thirty minutes, but it was nice to rest his feet. He never realized how much pain they were giving him until he was off them.

They made small talk in the car and Louis fiddled with his handbag. It had definitely been Lottie’s because it had glitter sewn into it, but it was functional, and that was a big plus. He’d probably want to buy his own, one that was slightly bigger so it would hold more than his phone and keys. And then there was always the case of needing something big enough to hold everything for his baby.

_Babies._

Twins.

“Shit,” Louis said. “I’m having twins.”

“Uhhh, yes. I do believe that is what I saw?” Louis could see Harry giving him a look out of the corner of his eye like he didn’t follow Louis’ train of thought, which was fair. They’d been talking about the relationship drama between two residents at work and how that was going to implode (no the irony of topic had not been lost on Louis)

“I’m going to need to buy a bigger handbag. This one is way too small. And I mean I _have_ the room to give them each their own room, but I’ll need to move my office. And I’ll need to get twice the furniture, which isn’t something my budget had accounted for when I started planning this.” He thumped his head back against the headrest. “It’s just hitting me now is all. Sorry about that.”

Harry shrugged as he took a turn into a car park. “It’s fine. Those sound like pretty normal worries. I know you have the two youngest siblings so do you know if your mum has anything saved from them?”

“Oh,” Louis breathed out with the realization, “she probably does, actually. A hoarder by nature, you know. And some of the stuff is really good quality. So I mean, I guess that’s good.” He was fiddling with the handbag again. “But I’m still going to need a new handbag.”

“You can get one of those really nice changing bags. I think I saw a sale for them at Debenhams.”

Louis understood what Harry was saying. “Would you be willing to show me where? Since you were the one who thinks they saw it?”

“I’m sure I could take some time out of my busy schedule to take you shopping.”

“Could you now?” Louis asked. “I’d like that. You know my doctor told me I shouldn’t be lifting heavy things.”

“No I haven’t. And there’s basically no danger lifting shopping bags at any time during pregnancy.”

Louis stuck his tongue out at Harry as he parked the car. “I know that. I’m just being a brat.”

Harry grabbed his tongue before he could pull it back. Louis pretended to bite him. “You’re adorable.” Harry let go of his tongue and tapped his nose. “I’ll get the door for you, your highness.”

Louis huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Damn right you will.” He looked around to see if he knew where Harry was taking him but he didn’t recognize the area they were in. There were a couple of restaurants in the vicinity that he spotted: a Thai place, an Indian place, what looked like a hipster burger place, and an Italian place. “So which one are we going to?”

Harry took his hand and entwined their fingers as he led them to the hipster burger place. Louis was about to make a comment about how this was just _stereotypical_ of Harry but then the door opened and he got a whiff of the food.

It smelt _amazing_.

And it didn’t roll his stomach, which was a huge bonus.

The place was one of those places where you placed your order at the counter and then ate, so Harry led Louis to a table first so they could have a place to sit. It wasn’t exactly full but it was getting crowded.

“What would you like?” Harry asked.

“ _God_ , how did you know I was craving a burger? I didn’t even know that.”

“Lucky guess,” Harry laughed as he pulled Louis’ seat out for him.

“I was worried you were gonna take me to some salad bar or something. Everyone at work has been harping at me to eat healthy. Niall stole my dinner yesterday and gave me his protein smoothie instead. I almost knifed him.”

“Well, I won’t deny that as a midwife that warms my heart, but tonight I figure I’d get more brownie points letting you indulge. Maybe next time I’ll convince you to let me cook for you and then I can sneak in all kinds of fun, healthy foods.” Harry winked at him. “But what would you want?”

Louis listed off what he wanted and then Harry got in line. Louis pulled out his mobile and checked his texts. His mum had messaged him wishing him luck, and Niall reminded him to wear a protection, and then immediately laughed at his own joke. Louis rolled his eyes and answered both of them. Harry came back with a tray of food and Louis’ mouth watered.

“Warning you now, there is a fifty percent chance I’m gonna throw this up.”

“That was a risk I was aware of,” Harry reminded him.

Louis took a bite out of his burger and let out a delighted sound. “It’s so good,” he moaned.

“Glad you liked it,” Harry said, eating his own burger at a much slower pace.

Louis polished his food off quickly and so he was left with staring at Harry. He kicked his foot out, tapping it against Harry’s shin and the top of his foot. “Can I ask you a question?”

Harry gestured with his hand for Louis to go on as he finished swallowing. “That’s the point of this.”

Louis hummed. “This is probably super personal but what made you decide to donate?”

“Oh, umm,” Harry wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Well, I’ve been a midwife for almost a decade now so obviously I’ve gotten to see how much children can bring happiness to their families. And I basically decided that if I could help even one family then that would be a bit of good in the world, you know?” Louis nodded, a little surprised at his thinking. “How about you? You took an anonymous donor instead of asking someone.”

“Well, I didn’t have anyone did I? Not anyone I knew at least. I didn’t want to tell anyone at work what I was doing because it was private, you know? And a bit scary. I mean you saw my medical records. It took me four cycles to conceive and it was… it was hard. I didn’t want people asking me how it was going because that would just make me feel like shit.”

“Did you consider that having someone donate would have given you an extra bit of support? You wouldn’t have had to tell everyone.”

“I had me mum, and me sisters. And my clinician actually ended up being an old friend from med school so that was nice. He already knew me and so he knew the right things to tell me when it… didn’t work out.”

Harry reached across the table and touched Louis’ hand. “I’m really glad it did work out. I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks, Harry. You know, you’re being really great about this whole thing and I just want you to know that I appreciate it. Most people would look at me run the other way.”

“Luckily I’m not most people. I happen to have many years of knowing how great you are for starters.” Louis couldn’t stop the blush from creeping up onto his cheeks. “And secondly, I’m not intimidated by something like this. I’m well aware of the reality of situations, I’ve seen how children affect families and affect mothers. I’m not naive. I’m not going to be selfish. I know where I would stand with you, which I think is a big thing people might not fully grasp.”

“Yeah,” Louis whispered. And fuck he was realizing this hipster burger bar was not the best place to have this kind of conversation but here it was. Happening right now. “I _do_ really like you.”

“I’d hope you do.” Harry stood up. “Here, let’s take a walk around the neighborhood. There’s some shops that should still be open.”

“Any of them carry discount changing bags?”

Harry laughed. “We can always check.”

Louis stood up and helped Harry throw out the rubbish. Before he could step away Harry crept into his space and placed a soft kiss on his lips. Louis’ eyes fluttered closed for a moment until Harry stepped back.

“You know you’re supposed to wait for the end of the date to give a guy a kiss, right?”

Harry smiled. “Just showing you I don’t mind having things be out of order. Now come on, I’ll show you around.” He intertwined their fingers again as they left the restaurant.

***

“This one will be a quick one, since you got over the big humps at your last appointment,” Harry said as Louis got himself comfortable on the exam table. He wanted to make sure the maternity dress he was wearing wasn’t going to get stuck under him. You’d think after three months of wearing them regularly he’d have gotten the hang of How To Dress but so far there wasn’t much luck. Thank god he put some leggings under the dress. “We’re just checking your blood pressure to make sure it’s nice and stable. And I already got your urine sample so I have that getting sent off for testing. When we meet back next month I’ll have those results for you. Now, do you have any questions for me?”

Louis waggled his eyebrows at Harry. “When do you get off work, big boy?”

Harry let out a dramatic sigh. “Lou,” he practically whined. “Be serious.”

“My libido is going crazy, Harold. As a midwife how do you suggest I fix this?” Louis enjoyed teasing him. 

He couldn’t help it. Since their first date everything had just seemed to fallen into place. Their decade long friendship made a relationship easy, since they already knew each other - flaws and all. Harry was incredible, slipping his way into Louis’ life. He always had time to text reminding Louis to take it easy, and to wish him a good day, no matter how many long hours they both worked. Louis was willing to accept that he probably was already in love, even though they hadn’t said those words yet.

Harry gave Louis a long suffering look. “As your midwife I suggest you go home and take care of yourself. I’m sure you have a sex toy of some kind, or a partner who would be more than willing to let you use their bodies as you see fit.”

“Oh would they be?”

“Pregnant person kink, remember?” Harry said, wheeling over in his chair so he was right in front of Louis. “I’m going to listen to your heartbeat really quick before taking your blood pressure.”

“Do you need to get me shirtless?” Louis shifted a bit, getting turned on by the thought of being practically naked in front of Harry. He couldn’t help it that his hormones were spiking and so the thought of a little roleplay was making him hard.

“Lou,” Harry said, hands hovering right over Louis’ legging covered knees. “You’re making it very hard to be professional right now.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to be professional.”

Harry closed his eyes as his hands pushed the hem of Louis’ dress up his thighs. “How about this? I get through my exam and then we see how you’re feeling.”

Louis didn’t think there would be much change. His mind was getting that haziness that came from being turned on, where all he could think about was getting off. His cock was getting hard and he knew when Harry got his dress off he’d see it.

Hopefully he’d be willing to help.

Louis managed to keep his mouth shut as Harry took his heartbeat and blood pressure, but it got harder when Harry lifted his dress up and then pushed his leggings down off his stomach so he could measure his uterus. Harry somehow managed to ignore his erection as he focused on his stomach instead.

“Hello there, loves,” Harry said, rubbing Louis’ belly gently before leaning in and pressing a kiss to Louis’ stomach. “How are my babies doing today?”

Louis’ cock twitched and he couldn’t help it. He grabbed the back of Harry’s head and pulled him down. It was hard to arch his hips up, damn near impossible, but Louis was going to try.

Harry gasped, seeming to realize what he had just said, but Louis kept him right where he was long enough so he could say, “I need you to fuck me, right now.”

If he wasn’t twenty five weeks pregnant with twins he would have climbed into Harry’s lap with a quickness but that fact hindered his speed. He had to take his time to get off the exam table, and it gave Harry time to push his seat back and get his scrubs down.

“This isn’t a good idea,” Harry said, even as he pulled his cock out of the hole in his boxers, stroking it to full hardness. “Sooo many broken rules.”

“Don’t care. You were the one who just had to call them your babies. You know what that kind of talk does to me, especially right now.”

“I didn’t even get to measure you.” Harry leaned down to his bag and he pulled out some lube.

“Why do you even have that?”

“I’d lie and say it’s for emergency ring removal but the truth is you’ve been so horny these past two weeks I never know when you’re likely to jump me.”

“Fair,” Louis said as he climbed into his lap.

Or well.

Tried to.

He realized as he got a knee wedged between Harry’s thigh and the arm of the chair that there was no way his tummy would accommodate that.

“Turn around. Reverse cowboy.”

Louis did as he was told. It wasn’t the easiest thing to do but soon he sitting on Harry’s lap, bracing one hand on the exam table in front of him and the other under his belly. Harry pushed his skirt up and was prepping his hole. 

Louis bit his lip.

He was so sensitive. It seemed like every day it just got more and more intense, the desire to be touched. And it helped that Harry’s fingers were nice and thick, so they stretched him, made him feel so full.

He rocked back against Harry’s fingers. He wanted him to curl them, and he opened his mouth to ask but all that came out was a high pitched whine.

“Shush,” Harry said. His fingers slipped out. “Can’t let anyone hear you okay? If you can’t stay quiet I’m going to have to stop.”

“If you stop I swear to fuck, Harry.”

Louis heard Harry snort. “Found your voice to curse me out, didn’t you?”

Before Louis could retort with anything Harry had sunk into him. His eyes slid shut and he let out another whine.

“I said quiet, baby,” Harry said.

Louis tried, he really did. He wanted to be quiet but _fuck_ it felt so good. Harry’s cock was stretching him just right, making him wetter, and wetter. He really, _really_ hoped that Harry had pushed his scrubs down far enough cause otherwise they’d be soaked.

Louis let out another whine and then there were fingers, slick coated fingers pressing into his mouth. He could taste himself on Harry’s fingers, and he knew what he needed to do. He sucked. He swirled his tongue around the sensitive pads of Harry’s forefinger and middle finger.

Harry groaned. It was low and rumbling and if Louis didn’t have a mouthful of fingers he’d say something but as it was… _no_. He just had to stay quiet.

Harry worked his hips, making the task easy for Louis. He could just take the fucking, getting closer and closer to the edge. His stomach was starting to knot up, getting tight and coiled. Harry’s hips were moving, his cock going in and out of him. Louis felt the pounding of his blood rushing through his veins, up to his head, and then through his body, leaving him light headed and woozy.

“Fuck,” Harry gasped, twisting his hips and Louis _felt it_. He swore. He felt Harry’s hips stutter. His cock pulse. He felt him come.

It pushed him over the edge and he came too.

His come landed on the side of the exam table and the floor.

They’d need to clean that up.

“Fuck,” Harry reiterated, fingers dropping from his mouth. He pulled out and Louis felt himself clench, trying to keep as much come in but he could feel he was leaking. “Shit,” Harry said.

Paper towels pressed into between his legs, cleaning him up and stemming the come.

“I think I need to lay down,” Louis said. “My legs are jello.”

Harry laughed but when he spoke his voice was shaky. “Just what the doctor ordered I guess.”

“You’re such a good midwife, giving me extra special attention.”

Louis looked back to check in with Harry. His face was flushed but he still looked okay. “Got to give my babies extra special treatment, don’t I?”

“Giving their mum a fucking of his life is probably not part of that.”

“I can tell you about the positive effects of orgasms on fetuses if you’d like.”

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

Harry laughed, and this one sounded less shaky. “Come on, back around so I can measure you and then you’ll be all good to go.”

***

All things considered the birth of the twins started better than he expected.

Louis was watching television cuddled up next to Harry when the first contraction hit - well the first one that made him go _oh, that’s...not right._ Harry was able to talk to him down from a full on panic, and remind him that it was probably going to take some time so there was no need to get rushing around to the hospital only to get turned away and told to come back because he wasn’t ready yet.

“Remember when we talked about me having a possibly natural birth with no medicine and only deep breathing to get me through this?” Louis asked as he got through another contraction. They were coming at about twelve minutes apart which was way too long to even begin to think of going to the hospital but _fuck_ did they hurt.

“Yeah, I remember,” Harry said as he began to rub Louis’ feet so he could prepare to stand up and make his way to the bathroom where Harry had promised him a nice warm shower to help keep him calm.

“I was a fucking moron.”

“I wouldn’t say that.” Harry sounded so patient as he used the palm of his hand to rub up and down the arch of Louis’ foot.

“You were laughing at me the whole time because you thought I was being stupid.”

“I _was not_. I was laughing because of something your mum said.”

Louis rolled his head back and looked up at the ceiling. Introducing his mum to Harry officially had been one of the worst decisions he’d made. She _loved_ Harry, almost as much as she loved his mum who she’d somehow roped into becoming almost as excited about the twins as she was.

Their relationship had tumbled very quickly into a perfect picture of domesticity that Louis had not been prepared for, but did not mind. They weren’t _living_ together just yet, but that wasn’t for lack of trying. Harry’s lease was ending next month, and then he’d move into Louis’ flat. And they’d already talked about how within a year of the twins being born that they would be looking for a bigger place for their family.

Their families got a long too. Louis had wanted to apologize the first time he’d met Harry’s mum, five months pregnant with Harry happily telling her about the babies’ development. She in no way had asked to be involved in his life, or his children’s life, and there he’d been, essentially thrusting it on her. But she had turned out to feed off of Harry’s excitement and had cooed over him and asked all about their plans and what not.

“Two boys, that’ll be a handful,” she’d said. “Have you thought of names?”

Louis traded looks with Harry, who was beaming. Louis let out a defeated sigh and waved at him. “You can tell her, since you’re so proud of them.”

“Harley and Finn!”

Louis watched as she blinked, clearly not picking up with Harry was so proud about them but she smiled nonetheless, just like his own mum had. “Those are beautiful names.”

“They rhyme with Harley Quinn,” Louis said, taking pity on her confusion. “He’s very proud of thinking that one up and managing to get me to like the names separately before I put it together.”

“And they’ll go nice with either Tomlinson or Styles,” Harry said, just like he’d been telling Louis for the past fortnight. Louis told him outright if he was planning on proposing to wait until after the babies were born so he didn’t have to go through labor with an engagement ring on.

Louis wasn’t sure what emotion passed her face as she looked at Harry but she reached over and patted his arm before smiling back at Louis. “Those are really wonderful names.”

Louis was brought back to the present with another contraction and he let out a scream. It had been long enough that he’d forgotten how much the contraction hurt. Or maybe this one was worse. He didn’t know.

He came out of it to Harry stroking his back and whispering in his ear how much he loved him.

“That was sixty second, baby. You did really well.”

Louis felt like he was about to cry, but he managed to hold it off. “That sucked.”

“I know, but don’t worry, baby,” Harry said, stroking his hand. “I’m gonna be with you the whole time.”

And he was. Through fifteen hours of labor, Harry was there, coaxing Louis through it, telling him how good he was doing, and how well it was going. He comforted him as he put their eldest - Harley, the eldest would be Harley - on Louis’ chest after the cord had been cut.

“He’s beautiful,” Harry said, eyes connecting with Louis’ for a moment before he went back to work to bring Finn into the world.

Louis looked at Harley curled up on his chest, pink and red, not fully cleaned yet. He couldn’t help it, he started to cry because he’d done it. He’d birthed a beautiful baby, with the help of Harry. 

Literally.

He couldn’t be happier.


	4. Chapter 3

Louis really couldn’t be happier. Raising their children together was like a dream.

Okay sure there were sleepless nights, and too many dirty nappies, and lots of crying, but Louis would see Harry give their boys a kiss good morning, cooing at them about how big they’d gotten, or how much he loved them, and it would make everything better. Easier. It was also easier because they had the support of both of their families. Louis’ mum was there every weekend, and Harry’s mum came to help during the week, since she didn’t have younger kids to take care of like his mum did.

They would get a bit under foot, but Louis took the time they were there to get a few moments to himself. To collect and relax before returning to his family.

Their little family fell into a pattern after a few weeks. The boys managed to sleep through at least five hours, so the two of them would stagger their sleep: Louis would go to bed first, at about nine, Harry would stay up until midnight before putting the boys down for the night. They would wake up between four thirty and five, hungry and probably in need of a nappy change, at which point Louis would have gotten enough sleep he could wake up, change them, feed them, and then go back to sleep until six or seven, at which point both of them could get up.

The biggest change in their schedule came about because Harry still worked, not able to claim paternity leave from work so sometimes he would have run off. But they still made it work. Louis wasn’t _how_ they made it work - because sometimes he found himself falling asleep at the breakfast table, holding one of the boys to his chest as they fed - but they did it. Harry would lean over and kiss him on the forehead, taking their son from his arms after he’d unlatched and urging him back to bed.

“For just a couple more minutes of sleep,” Harry would always say. “I got this.”

Louis could always see the exhaustion in Harry’s eyes but he had moments of selfishness driven on by his own sleep deprivation, so he would steal away for those five extra moments.

“I love you,” Louis would say when he returned, just a little more orientated. He’d take the boys from Harry and urge him back to their room so he could get his own downtime.

It got better. 

Louis wasn’t sure when exactly it did, but he woke up on Harry’s birthday and realized he felt...well definitely not refreshed, but not bone dead tired. He kissed the base of Harry’s neck and hummed happily. Their bedroom was quiet except for Harry’s snores and the soft breathing of their sons.

Louis took his time getting up. He savored the stretch he gave, noting it was almost seven in the morning. It was _so late_. He stood up and padded over to the two bassinets, checking on their sons. Harley had dropped his dummy in the middle of the night but he was still deep asleep, his little chest moving up and down.

Louis swiped the dummy up and put it in his sleep pants pocket. “It’s daddy’s birthday,” he whispered to Harley, finally giving into the temptation to stroke his forehead. His hair was coming in light brown and a little curly and Louis smiled. Finn’s hair was a bit darker, and not quite as curly. Harley’s eyes seemed to be settling into a light green color while Finn’s looked more grey-blue, though Louis knew that could change. Both of his boys were beautiful. Louis smiled as he pulled away from Harley to look at Finn. “Will you two be willing to get dressed up so you can take nice pictures for Granny Annie?” He could feel his face starting to hurt from how much he was smiling saying Anne’s nickname. She’d loved it the first time Harry had said it. “We haven’t nice pictures since Christmas.”

“You mean your birthday,” Harry’s voice said from behind him.

Louis jumped in surprise and he turned away from Finn. “You’re up. You should go back to bed, it’s your birthday. Sleep in.”

Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ midsection, warmth flooding him. “Bed’s cold without you.”

Louis snorted. “You’re the one with all the heat.”

Harry pressed a kiss to his temple. “Can you believe they’re gonna be seven months in a couple weeks?”

“Shush,” Louis said. His hands were gripping Harry’s wrists, holding him in place. “They’re getting so big.”

“Soon they’ll be starting day nursery-”

“Stop.”

“-And then school-”

“Harry.”

“-And then they’ll have their first puppy love before we know it-”

“Harry Edward Styles if you don’t stop soon you’ll going to make me cry!” Louis said, wiggling in his hold.

Harry laughed and then there was a piercing wail. Harley was awake.

“Now look what you’ve done,” Louis muttered, untangling himself so he could pick up Harley. Harry did the same with Finn, cuddling him awake.

“I’ll make us breakfast,” Harry said. “How about that?”

Louis sighed but followed him into the kitchen.

They had an easy morning. Food, nappy change, play time, a quick walk around the block before they came back in for a quick storytime before lunch. Post always came early on Saturdays so when they were going back up to their flat after their walk Harry was able to grab their post.

Louis busied himself with getting Harley out of the pram - Finn was strapped to Harry’s chest - as Harry looked over the mail. Louis grabbed the book they had been reading to the boys and settled onto the sofa with Harley in his lap.

But Harry wasn’t there.

Louis frowned and looked up at where Harry was still standing by the door, looking at an envelope. “Everything okay?”

Harry’s head shot up and he looked at Louis for a moment, and then looked down. “Uh.” He held up the envelope. “I got something from HFEA.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I uh…” Harry trailed off.

“Are they writing to tell you they’re returning your sperm?”

“I… don’t know. I mean, you remember at the beginning of the year I filled out the forms to find out if anyone had conceived with my donation?”

Louis’ stomach dropped. He _felt_ himself drop. Hell, Harley felt his mood drop because he suddenly started to fuss in Louis’ hold. “I remember. Do you think- you should open that.”

Harry nodded, heading for the kitchen.

Louis stood up to follow him, Harley in his hold. It would be easier to move around if the boys were in their high chairs.

Both of them started fussing and Louis made sure to bring up a couple of their high chair toys: big keys for Harley and the large rocking plastic zebra for Finn. That would distract them for as long as Harry and he needed to look over the letter he got.

Harry took a deep breath after the boys were sat down. Louis felt distant, staring at Harry. Harry wasn’t looking at him, instead staring at the envelope.

“I guess.”

“You should open it.”

“Yeah.” Harry slid his finger under the seal of the envelope and opened the letter.

Louis waited with baited breath as Harry read the letter included.

Silence filled the kitchen except for the sounds of Harley and Finn playing with their toys.

Louis saw Harry take a deep breath and fold the letter up for a moment before unfolding and reading it again.

“What’s it say?” Louis asked. His voice was quiet but it echoed in the silence of the kitchen.

“I had two sons born last year. I guess the mum had twins since I only specified a donation to one family.”

Louis swallowed and looked at Harley and Finn. They had two half-brothers. Or well, no they didn’t have any half-brothers. Their… stand-in father had two sons they might one day meet. Louis bit his lower lip. “Congrats, you’re a father?”

Harry gave him a look, before looking at Finn. “Thanks,” he said, his voice a bit shaky, “but you know I’m already a father.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to say Harry was now a _real_ father, since he hadn’t technically adopted Finn or Harley yet, nor given DNA, but he swallowed it back. Those were the hurtful, _hateful_ kind of words that other people would say to Harry. Louis wasn’t supposed to say those words. He watched Harry pick up Harley’s keys, making a face at him to get him to giggle as he wiggled them.

“You’re right. And I mean, we won’t have to worry about anything for another eighteen years.”

“Nothing to worry about,” Harry said, easily, keeping his eyes on Harley as he reached for the keys. “Good boy!” He crowed as Harley almost got the keys from him. “It’ll be as much of a worry as if the boys decide to look their biological father.”

The pit in Louis’ stomach reminded him Harry’s words weren’t as much of a comfort as they were supposed to be.

***

It came over him slowly.

That was the only way to describe it. It wasn’t as if he’d woken up the next morning suddenly _aware_ of his panic. It was more like waves, creeping in slowly until he was drowning under high tide.

Louis would see Harry give Harley and Finn a kiss good morning, or blow on their bellies, and he’d remember, the traitorous part in the back of his head _these could have been his kids, but they aren’t. His children are with someone else._ Louis would always have to look away, a pit in his stomach filled with guilt.

Harry clearly loved the boys, cuddling them, and taking care of them. He would be the one who woke up now in the morning to change their nappies, letting Louis get a couple extra minutes of sleep. He would sing to them, sharp and off-key, one in each arm because they were small enough.

“I won’t get to do this much longer,” Harry would always tell him, when he caught Louis looking. “They’re getting so big.”

Louis crossed his arms over his chest. “They don’t get that from me,” he muttered.

Harry scrunched up his nose to make a face at Finn. It was almost like he hadn’t heard Louis as he continued to rock them both back and forth in his arms.

Louis had a moment where being ignored _hurt_. He felt like Harry didn’t understand him. It seemed like Harry just wanted to continue on with their lives, like they were all one big happy family when they _weren’t_.

It was all made worse by how much he was starting to see Harry in his sons. Louis knew it had to be a byproduct of the panic he felt himself slipping into. Harley would smile Harry’s cheesy little smile, or Finn’s nose looked like Harry.

People would comment on it, when they were out and about.

“They looks just like you,” other mothers would tell Harry at the store, beaming and so sincere. “You have such strong genes!”

And Louis would stand there, unable to say anything because _they didn’t_. Harry didn’t have strong genes. At least not that Louis could see. Maybe he did. Maybe some mum somewhere else in England was sitting at home right now, cuddling twin boys that had Harry’s eyes, and Harry’s curls, and Harry’s nose, and would grow up to the spitting image of Harry. All while Louis was left with hopes and dreams.

He couldn’t stop the panic once it started. A part of him knew it was irrational. The intelligent part knew it shouldn’t matter. He shouldn’t feel a sting of betrayal at how Harry just smiled at the other mums when they told him he looked like Louis’ kids.

“I have a baby picture where I’m make the same face!” Harry would always say, and if given time he’d pull out his mobile and show it off.

Louis knew the picture he was talking about by heart. Black and white with Harry making this dopey surprised face. He, and Anne, and Gemma, and Des, and Robin all claimed Finn made a similar face but Louis knew they were just seeing things. People always see similarities in perceived parents. He’d written a paper on it when he was resident and presented it at a hospital conference about how to handle delicate family situations as a pediatrician.

Louis knew better than all of them why they were seeing these things.

It still hurt.

“Hey,” Harry whispered in early May, crawling into bed after an evening delivery. “I was thinking for the boy’s birthday maybe we try and go to Disneyland.”

“In France? Harry, they don’t have passports and traveling there would be such a hassle. Especially cause they wouldn’t remember.”

“But it’s our sons’ first birthday.” He was almost whining. “And studies show experiences are better than material objects.”

Louis went silent. Just like he had since early March whenever Harry called Harley and Finn’s _his_. He didn’t think Harry even noticed anymore. Just accepted the sullen silence, the mood shift. The way he didn’t want to talk about the future much anymore.

The silence stretched on until Harry gently tugged on Louis’ shoulder, turning him around in the bed so they were face to face.

“Or maybe we could fill out the papers?”

Louis blinked at him, not understanding. “Fill out the papers?”

“The adoption papers. We haven’t talked about it since your birthday but I think it would be a nice symbolic gesture, you know? For their birthday.”

Louis stared into Harry’s eyes. Deeper and brighter than the light shade of green Harley had. Not the same at all.

He rolled over. “We can talk about it later.”

Harry caught his shoulder. Louis snatched it away, sitting up quickly. He didn’t want to click on the light and risk waking his sons but the shadows hid Harry’s face. He couldn’t know what Harry was thinking right now.

“What?” He snapped.

“Are you okay?” Harry asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Louis said slowly.

 _He wasn’t_.

Harry clearly didn’t believe him either. “I think you have PND.”

“I don’t have PND.”

Harry gave him a measured look. It was his _mid-wife_ look. Louis knew it well, and he also knew he could mirror it right back. His own _doctor_ glare.

_I know better about your health than you do._

Their co-workers had joked that would become a problem, two health professionals together, but it hadn’t been. Not until right now.

“Something is wrong, Louis. Something’s going on upstairs with you and I let you sit with it, and I let it fester in hopes that you would work it out yourself, but at this point I’m worried. You’ve become withdrawn. You’re distant from me and our boys. Those are early signs of PND and while for you it may seem too late to be PND, it _can_ start this late.”

“I don’t think it’s not PND because it’s _late_ , Harry. I _know_ it’s not PND because I’m a professional and I know my own feelings.”

“Then… what are you feeling?”

Louis tried to swallow it back. “I’m _fine._ ”

“No, you _aren’t_.” Harry reached for his shoulder and Louis slapped his hand away. Harry didn’t look hurt, not as he stared at Louis and waited for him to explain himself. “You’re worrying me.”

“Then stop worrying.”

“It’s not that simple, and you know it. Of course I worry. I love you. I love our sons.”

The sentence stung. “Stop it,” Louis said - whispered.

“But even though I love all three of you, sometimes I have to prioritize. And we talked about this. We talked about how our boys were always going to be first.”

“Stop it.” His voice was getting stronger. Louder.

“So if I need to call you on your shit to get you to take care of yourself for them, then so be it.”

“Stop it.”

“Stop what? Stop what, Louis?” Harry stood up. He didn’t even seem to realize he was doing it, so worked up. “I’m trying here. I’m trying desperately to make this okay for you and for our sons.” He was pleading.

Louis slammed his hands on the mattress for all an impact that made. “You aren’t their father stop it!”

Harry froze. The whole room went silent. All that was left was the pounding in Louis’ ears. Letting his hateful words play over and over again until time seem to start again. In fast forward. The fight taking over both of them.

“What are you talking about of course I’m their father?! I helped bring them into this world.”

“Because you were my fucking doctor!”

“No, because I love you and I wanted to be involved in that moment of your life. Yours _and_ our sons.”

“STOP CALLING THEM THAT!”

“That’s who they are, Louis!”

One of the boys let out a wail at their screaming. Harry glared at Louis before climbing out of bed to go take care of them. Louis watched as he shushed Finn, cuddling him to his chest. He wanted to say something, to tell Harry to put his son down, but standing there naked, baby to his chest, Harry looked like a force to be reckoned with.

“Louis, I don’t know what your problem is, or why you’re acting like this. It might not be PND but something is definitely wrong and we need to fix it. I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you and I’m a part of your life and your family, regardless of what you’re going through.”

Guilt and anger sat high in Louis’ throat. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to burrow under the covers and have Harry wrap his arms around him and tell him it was all okay. That it didn’t matter their family was different. That he’d be able to move on with his life, with the knowledge Harry had children out there. That he’d be able to accept that Harry may not be his son’s father but he was _their father_.

He wanted to be told it was alright to feel these things even though he knew it was wrong and selfish and hurtful.

Louis stood up and grabbed some clothes. Harry stood silent, holding Finn.

“I’m leaving,” Louis said. “I’ll be back later.”

***

He doesn’t get further than the street outside their flat to realize he fucked up. But he was already this far, and he didn’t feel up to going back inside yet. Louis pulled out his phone and looked at the time. Just after nine at night.

 _Great_.

His mum would probably be up and calling her always made him feel better but he had a feeling any conversation with her about this would just result in him feeling even stupider than he already did. She knew more than anyone what it was like raising someone else’s child with someone and Louis appreciated that. But that wasn’t the _problem_. The problem was that Harry _had other children_. Two little boys out there that weren’t his. And in this his mum had no experience.

He scrolled through his contact list, looking for someone to talk to, or somewhere to go. He wasn’t even off maternity leave yet, so it wasn’t like he could run back to work or something.

Zayn’s name caught his eye and Louis sighed. He’d kept up with Zayn since reconnecting and Zayn was pretty much his only acquaintance who wasn’t tied to Harry in some way.

He pressed his number.

“What’s wrong?” Zayn’s voice answered.

Louis huffed. “What makes you think something’s wrong? Maybe I’m just calling to tell you about my life.”

“You did that last week when you told me the boys were really starting to blather. I figured I wouldn’t get an update until they were walking in a couple more weeks.”

He was right. Shit. Louis rubbed his temple. “I’m a mess, Z.”

He heard Zayn take a deep breath, seem to start to say something, and then rethought it. “Come over. I’ll text my address. It’s not that far from you two.” He hesitated and then, “Does Harry know where you are? Is he with the boys?”

“I’m not having a PND episode,” Louis snapped. “That’s not what this is.”

Zayn was silent for a moment. When he spoke it was with more authority than he normally had. “Answer my question. Does Harry know where you are?”

“He knows I left. And he’s with the boys.”

“Is it okay if I text him? Or is it better he doesn’t know where you are?”

“I’ll text him. It’s… not like that either.”

“I’m just making sure. Come over. My guest room is free.”

“Thanks,” Louis said before ending the call. He stared at his phone, waiting for Zayn’s text. Once he got it he sent a quick message to Harry saying he was sorry and that he was going to talk to Zayn.

 _No need to wait up._ He finished.

Harry didn’t text back.

Not that Louis deserved it after he left. And _fuck_ how stupid was it to just leave? He should have stayed and talked to Harry. That would have been the adult, rational thing to do. But he wasn’t feeling very adult _or_ rational right now.

Zayn’s flat was within walking distance, only about ten minutes away, and soon Louis was being let in.

“You’re lucky it didn’t start raining,” Zayn said as he took in Louis’ appearance. He looked like he’d just rolled out of bed - probably because he had. “Come on, I’ll put on the kettle or something. You’re breastfeeding right?”

“Yeah. Gonna probably start weaning them off once they get teeth.”

“Smart man,” Zayn said. “No drugs and alcohol then.”

“No. Staying sober.”

Zayn nodded, as if hearing that made him feel better. They let the silence fall over the two of them as Zayn turned on the kettle, and then made Louis some tea. Louis took the time to look around Zayn’s flat. It was cosy, filled with art and other decor from his travels no doubt.

“Looks like you’re planning on staying here awhile.”

Zayn followed his gaze, smiling as he around. “Yeah. Not sure I’ll ever get the travel bug out of my system but for now it’s nice to have a permanent place to call my own. And I like my work. When do you get back to work?”

“Start of June. I could have started back earlier but I… I wanted to be with the boys.”

“That makes sense. First babies and all.”

“Harry didn’t get any leave so it’s just been me at home. His schedule isn’t too terrible though.” Louis felt his voice going numb as he talked about Harry and he shook his head. “Zayn, can I ask you a question?”

“Go for it.”

“I’m probably gonna sound selfish and horrible but…” his head tilt back as he tried to put his words into order. “I’m going absolutely mad. And I don’t know what to do.”

“This doesn’t sound like a question,” Zayn said as he sat down across from Louis. “It sounds like a story.”

“You know Harry donated sperm, right?”

“I did not.”

“Oh. Well he did. Before him and I were a thing. Maybe a couple years ago? It’s actually why we ended up getting together, because like I made a joke, and then he made a joke, but it wasn’t _actually_ a joke, he was being serious, and BAM we’re together.” Louis could tell Zayn was waiting for him to make sense and he let out a sigh. “So, Harry donated sperm. And at the beginning of the year he sent off that application to see if any kids had come from it and he got the response in February.”

“And?”

“Two boys. Born last year.” Louis’ voice caught over it and he felt tears start to well up in his eyes. “And I feel so fucking awful for how I feel because I’m _so angry_ and _so hurt_ and I’m terrified.”

Zayn reached over and placed his hand on top of Louis’. “Did he go behind your back to submit the application? We normally recommend talking to a counselor before doing it because all kinds of emotions can well up when you find out a child has been born.”

“No I knew. And I was fine with it. Or I thought I was fine with it. But the reality is… it’s just so different.” Louis couldn’t help it, he let out a sob. “And I feel even worse because _clearly_ I’m a giant fucking hypocrite because I went and got knocked up by donor sperm and Harry doesn’t even seem to care. He just goes on and calls the boys his sons and I’m the one who’s being so fucking stupid. If I’d just waited or I don’t know fucking asked Harry out or mentioned I was looking into conceiving he might have donated to me! He _should_ have donated to me, but I fucked up, and it’s all my fault. And I know it shouldn’t matter, I _do_ know that, but it does matter and that’s only making me feel worse.”

“Hey, hey, hey. Who says it shouldn’t matter?” Zayn squeezed his hand until Louis was looking at him, mouth gaping because… what did Zayn mean? _Who says it shouldn’t matter?_

“Everyone.”

“Who’s everyone? And why do _their_ opinion matter to you? They aren’t the ones going through this. You are. And if you think it matters, if you’re _hurt_ because of this, then so be it. It’s okay to be hurt by what’s going on.”

“But. I’m being selfish.”

“Yeah, and? Sometimes people are selfish. It’s human to be selfish. You wish you’d been able to have biological children with the man you love. Does that mean you don’t love the two boys you do have?”

“What? No. Of course I love them. They’re perfect and wonderful. They just… aren’t Harry’s. And I really wish they were.”

His confession hung over them, and it took a lot not to burst into fresh tears. Zayn was going to hate him for saying that. He was going to scold him. _God_ , Louis was so fucked up.

Zayn squeezed his hand. “So now that that’s out in the open, let’s think about how to make you better.”

Louis looked down at the table, at their touching hands. He knew what would make him feel better. He also knew it was impossible. But Zayn was making him feel heard. So maybe…

“I want to know who they are.” He refused to look up at Zayn, keeping an eye on their hands instead. Zayn’s hand didn’t move.

“Who, who is?”

“The mother of Harry’s children. I want to know who they are. I… I need to know if they’re single and _fuck_ if there’s a chance in the future he’ll leave me for them. How _fucking irrational is that_?”

Zayn’s hand pulled away and Louis looked up at him. Zayn was ashen, looking uncomfortable for the first time. “You’ll find out who the mother is only if the children want to meet him. You know that.”

“Of course I know that. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting to know now.”

“Is that why you’re here? Is that why you came to me?” Zayn sounded accusatory and it took Louis a moment to connect the dots as to why.

No. No it wasn’t why Louis had come to Zayn but also… what luck, right? Maybe it had been subconscious.

“Could you do it?” Louis asked.

“No, absolutely not.”

“I don’t- I mean do you have access to that information?”

“Louis. Stop.”

“It’s not like they keep that information completely locked away only to be looked up later. There has to be like, a database or something. You could access it, right?”

“I can’t just _access_ it, Louis.”

“What, does it need a key? I thought you were a manager.”

“I’m a doctor,” Zayn said, standing up and beginning to pace. “Louis. Don’t you dare do this.”

“You can’t look, but what if _I_ looked?”

“That’s even worse! Besides you wouldn’t even know where to look.”

Louis’ eyes darted around the room and settled on Zayn’s laptop over by the coffee table. “Do you need to be at work or can you connect in from home?”

“Louis. No.” Louis stood up but Zayn grabbed his arm. “Louis what part of no are you not fucking getting? This isn’t a game. It’s a huge breach of privacy on top of being _illegal_.”

Louis looked him right in the eye. “Zayn. Please?”

“No.” Zayn swallowed. “If you’d asked for who your dad is… it would have been a maybe. I… might have bent those rules for you.”

That wouldn't solve his problem. But if Zayn was willing to bend on this… if Zayn saw nothing bad came from this then… then maybe he’d bend on Harry’s donation. “Could I know who the father is for me?”

Zayn took a deep breath and let go of Louis’ bicep. “Go sit down.”

Louis dropped into his seat.

Zayn grabbed his laptop and sat opposite Louis. “Don’t you dare fucking look over my shoulder. This is so fucking illegal. So incredibly fucking bad. If this gets found out I will lose my job.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“Shut up. I don’t want to hear it.”

Tapping on his keyboard filled the room as Louis went silent. Louis watched Zayn’s face, lit up by the blue of his screen. He was concentrating, giving nothing else away. Louis didn’t know how long it would take, and he knew he’d need to wait even longer to find out the mother of Harry’s children but still… he waited.

Zayn’s eyes widened.

“What?”

And then he laughed.

“Zayn? What’s the matter? Are you not able to get in?”

Zayn doubled over with the force of his laughter.

Louis stood up and rounded the table. “Zayn?” He couldn’t help it, his eyes fell on the screen. There wasn’t a picture or anything, it was just a form. He squinted and leaned in, reading the screen.

Account Number: 165998  
Family Name: Styles  
First Name: Harry

“Why do you have Harry’s profile up? I thought you weren’t going to do that?” Zayn was still laughing and Louis smacked him on the back. “Zayn! Why is Harry’s profile up?”

Zayn pulled himself up and kept laughing. He had tears rolling down his cheeks. “You fucking _idiot_. It’s him!”

“Yes. I can tell it’s Harry. Why is it Harry?”

“Harry is the father!”

“I know Harry is a father.”

“No _the_ father! Of your kids! Harry’s their dad!”

“Harry’s their dad?” Louis repeated as it washed over him. “Harry’s their dad. Oh fuck, _Harry’s their dad._.” He dropped to his knees too fast for Zayn to catch him, and yeah that hurt. That hurt like a bitch, but he was in too much shock. All the anxiety and fear that had been rushing through him were suddenly replaced by relief and happiness and confusion. He hugged himself as he broke down crying. “Harry’s their dad.”

“Yeah,” Zayn said. “Harry’s their dad. Do you feel better?”

Louis shook his head. “I don’t know. I just, can’t believe it. I feel so stupid for freaking out. People kept saying Finn and Harley looked like him and I thought it was all in everyone else’s head but they look like him because they’re _his_. And I know it shouldn’t matter and it makes me an awful person but I feel _so much better_ knowing this now.”

Zayn must have gotten down to his knees because he was rubbing Louis’ back, comforting him through the crying fit. “You’ll feel how you feel, and it’ll be okay. My only piece of advice? Don’t hide this from him too, okay?”

Louis shook his head. Zayn was absolutely right, he couldn’t hide this from Harry. So he’d have to tell him. And soon.

***

Harry was waiting in the living room when Louis got home. He was alone and lit low in the light. Louis fussed at the door, taking his time to kick off his shoes and collect himself. The walk back from Zayn’s had helped him process everything just a little bit more. The shame had settled, and left its memory all over him. He couldn’t believe how he’d been thinking the last couple of months. His thoughts had been horrible. They were still horrible. It was horrible that he felt better now, but he had to accept it.

He needed to keep moving forward.

He looked at Harry and forced a smile. “Hi.”

“Did Zayn help?”

“He did yeah.” Louis watched as Harry stood up and took two steps towards him. He took a deep breath and launched into what he wanted to say. “I’m so sorry. I owe you so many apologies.”

“Yeah you fucking do,” Harry said. He was clearly still mad. “I hope you figured your shit out while you were gone, Louis because walking out on us like that when you have a problem isn’t a way to fix anything.”

Louis nodded. “I know. You’re their dad.”

“I know I’m their dad.”

“No. I mean. You’re their dad.”

“Yes that’s what I’ve been telling you. I’m their father.”

“No. Harry you aren’t- Zayn showed me who the biological father of the boys was because I was freaking out and it’s _you_. You’re their father.”

“Excuse me? You did _what_?”

“I got it into my head you’d love your biological kids more and you’d leave me for their mum or something and so I begged Zayn to tell me who the mum of your kids was, but he wasn’t going to. But he said he’d find out who the father of the boys was for me. And it was you.”

“I’m sorry, I- Louis, what the fuck? How could you? That’s… so incredibly not okay. You know that.”

“Surprise?” Louis said.

Harry was staring at him with his mouth hanging open. He looked confused, and hurt, and angry. “I would _never_ love our children any less. How could you even think that?”

“I wasn’t thinking straight and it was a mess, and I know it was wrong, I do. It’s why I was freaking out so much because I knew it wasn’t okay.”

“Louis, I love our boys more than anything in the world. So much it terrifies me. I want to be a part of their life forever and the thing is I was honestly worried you’d take that away from me. I have no claim to them even though I love them so much.”

“I would never do that. I’d never take them from you,” Louis said. “I’m sorry I was so gone. And I’m sorry that I’m feeling better now because I know that they’re yours. They’re all yours.”

Harry’s anger seemed to melt out of him as Louis got within touching distance. “They’re mine.”

“Yours.”

Harry wrapped his arms around Louis as he let out a sob of relief. “I fucking hate you so much.”

Louis hugged him back. “I won’t take them from you. I promise. We’re a family.”

“We’re a family,” Harry repeated. “ _We’re a family_ , and the boys are _mine._ ”

“Yes. Yes they are.”

Harry let out a small, hiccuping laugh. “You know if you had just waited seventeen more years you would have found out about this eventually.”

“Shut up. My nerves wouldn’t have been able to handle seventeen more years of this.”

“It’s just funny,”

“No what’s funny is that stupid fucking letter you wrote to the boys.”

“I think you mean the great letter I wrote. You said it’s why you chose me.”

“It is why I chose you,” Louis agreed. “For better or for worse.”


End file.
